Dear graduates, thank you for your time.
I bet you all think you’re on a great climb.
But in this speech, I’ll give you real talk.
You better start running, right after you walk.

Life is a jungle. The world is full of lions.
If you’re too nice, you’ll be the one that’s dyin’.
You might have ideals, that part I know well.
But all your good intentions pave a path to Hell.

I’m telling you right now. Pay attention to me.
Keep these things in mind if you want to succeed.
All the ladies in the house, you wanna get paid.
All the gents in the joint, here’s how you get laid.

Don’t you be a sucka. Don’t you be a chump.
Gotta learn to cheat to make it over that hump.
Cut all the corners, ‘cause life is too short.
Otherwise you end up looking like a big dork.

Pad your resume with facts that aren’t facts.
No time for modesty. It’s a stage; start the act.
Once you get a job, grab that corporate ladder.
Do what it takes. If you’re bad, be badder.

That’s the only way, you’re gonna rise higher.
Learn to backstab. Get your competition fired.
And in the event your boss finds out the truth.
Rely on blackmail. Eye for eye, tooth for tooth!

Here’s a tip for you guys. Do this if you can.
If you’re not already, become a white man.
Grow real tall. Speak with a deep voice.
People will respect you. They’ll have no choice.

And for you girls, just remember. Stay thin.
Sleep your way to the top, all the way, for the win!
But don’t leave all this up to fate, up to chance.
If nature didn’t give, it’s your job to enhance.

The future is yours, but you have to take it.
Don’t be yourself. It’s best that you fake it.
And with this advice, my work here is done.
I’ve given all of you a lifemap to fun!