You’re a modern person, and you want to live a modern lifestyle. We get it. Enjoy these delicious bites of literary tapas that will keep you light on your feet and ready to party at a moment’s notice with a spontaneous group of your new best friends through the streets of Barcelona or whatever town you’re lucky enough to be in.

#36 The Alter

For her third wedding, Carol decided to write her own vows.

But it was in pencil, because, come on. Things change.

#35 Myst Opportunity

The mayor of Sunlit Falls should have read the sponsorship contract much more carefully, because the mayor of Sunmyst Zero Sugar Falls lost the election 51% to 48%.

Wait, 48% still voted for that guy?

Damn. What a world.

#34 Climythology

The colossus rose from the ocean floor, awaking from a 2,000-year slumber, just in time to see climate change.

#33 Color Guard

Chuck was admiring some flowers by the side of the river.

“Hey man, what are you doing?” asked his friend, Buck.

“Oh, uh, nothing,” Chuck said, stepping away from the flowers.

Buck walked away, disappointed in his buddy.

This was the week of the big game, and the flowers were the wrong team’s colors.

#32 Ranson

“We’re holding your son ransom,” the voice on the phone said. “You have 24 hours to deliver the cash.”

“Which son?” Mary asked.

“Josh.”

“Well, OK then.”

#31 Bottom’s Up

The Devil mixed a special brew, just for Todd, welcoming him to Hell.

“Wow, this is fantastic!” Todd said. “What’s in it?”

“Don’t worry about it,” the Devil replied.

“OK, it doesn’t really matter.”

“Hey, that’s the attitude! And if I’m being honest, the drink is actually awful.”

“Well, then, why does it taste so good?”

“Oh, that’ll go away soon enough. You see, you have the ability to convince yourself that truly horrible things are great! That’s why you’re here, dummy!”

Todd felt a sudden churning in his belly, or as the Devil would fondly refer to it, his helly.

#30 DissCommunication

Barry told Rufus that he was a good dog. 

Rufus, happy with this praise, immediately punched Barry in the face. 

Barry found this inexplicable. 

But so did Rufus. 

Why would Barry leave him hanging like that on a high-five?

#29 Heart of ICE

As James walked along the waves, a bottle washed ashore and struck his foot.

There was a note inside that said, “Love thy neighbor.”

James agreed with this sentiment.

Then, turning the note over, he saw a crayon picture of the U.S. and Mexican flags inside the shape of a heart. 

James became furious, and he tossed the bottle back into the ocean with the note crumpled inside.

The child who had sent the note was named Jesus.

#28 End Game

Logan is playing a video game, but the programming has a flaw. After the hero saves the world, the game doesn’t end. The controller no longer responds, and Logan puts it down.

The hero leaves his castle and begins using his weapon to destroy things that should be left alone: bridges, buildings, trees, animals, and people.

Logan turns the game off and sits in bewilderment. The flag hanging on the living room wall above the TV enters his consciousness. Taking comfort in the familiar, he whispers to himself, “America…”

#27 Incapeable

Martin put on a cape, because that’s what superheroes do. 

His mom reminded him to do the dishes. He explained that he needed to save the world, but she disagreed. 

“Aw, man!” he said, walking back into the house. 

And that’s why we’re in such a mess right now.

#26 Astronot

Ted, a flat Earther, explained to Sandy, an astronaut, why she was wrong about the world being round.

Sandy was eager to leave the planet again.

#25 Finale

Xander was stranded in the middle of the ocean, with sharks circling his raft.

He did the only sensible thing one could do in such an X-Treme situation. He played some air guitar and SLAMMED an energy drink!

But the drink was too X-Treme, and he died of heart failure.

The sharks turned out to be dolphins.

#24 Dinosore

Sera loved dinosaurs so much that she built a time machine to go see them in person.

But when she got there, they totally ignored her.

Her sister, Tera, discovered the time machine and soon joined her. The dinosaurs immediately noticed Tera and even playfully posed with her for selfies.

Sera looked on from the side incredulously and muttered, “Bitch.”

#23 The Abyss

“Hey, what’s this?” the explorer asked. “Fuck! An abyyyyyyyyyyysssssssssss!!!”

#22 Jazz Banned

“Jazz expands your consciousness,” Toby explained to his roommate. “It’s like looking at a rainbow and seeing the colors in between the colors.”

“Wow, that sounds awful, man,” Nate said. “Just give me the regular colors.”

They became best friends, anyway.

#21 Santa, Maybe

Timmy whispered to his father, “Last Christmas, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.”

“Oh, I’m sure it was just a friendly holiday greeting,” his father said, winking across the room to his wife.

“OK, but this year, I saw her kissing Krampus.”

“Wait. What?”

#20 The Big Thanks Theory

Jim knew he was in harmony with the universe, because both of them were expanding, especially around Thanksgiving.

#19 A Reptile Dysfunction

In his younger days, Clyde was known for one thing above all, his fearlessness. And to prove it, he became a snake handler.

In his older days, “One-Eyed Clyde” was known for one thing above all, his poor life choices.

#18 The Copterer

“We need you to go on one last mission,” the steely-eyed general said. “You’re the only one who can save the world. You’re the best helicopter pilot there is.”

“Sir, yes sir!” the Copterer dutifully replied with a salute before ascending in a swirl of dust and departing at a reasonable speed.

The aliens, fearing the helicopter as a coward might fear a bee, hastily retreated, never to return.

#17 Obedience Training

“Are you a good dog?” she asked, holding a biscuit.

The dog tilted his head down in a sharp nod.

“You are!” she agreed, and gave him the biscuit.

She was happy he had learned how to say “yes.”

The dog was even happier that she had learned the “put it down” command.

#16 Butterfly Effect

A butterfly was sitting peacefully on a rock by the river when a bro in a Houston Astros cap began smoking nearby.

“God, I hate Houston,” the butterfly thought. It then fluttered its wings in an intricate pattern. “There. That should do it.”

Four days later, Houston experienced hail the size of baseballs.

#15 Love Machines

It is the year 2036. Scientists have unveiled a new model of artificially intelligent robots virtually indistinguishable from humans.

Two of the prototypes are selected to take part in a reality show, but the audience rejects them for being unrealistic, because they fall deeply in love with each other.

#14 Astrological Sign

“Don’t send the message today,” Daphne cautioned. “Hermes is in retrograde.”

“Don’t you mean Mercury?” Sophia asked.

“What are you, Roman or something?”

“By Jove! How did you know?”

#13 Freedumb

“I know I was speeding,” Jimmy acknowledged. “But if you really think about it, free will is an illusion.”

The officer handed Jimmy a ticket. “I don’t have free will either, asshole,” she replied philosophically.

#12 Disschord

Julie and Javier were delighted to learn that they were both organists.

“What are the odds?” Julie asked. “You never just run into another organist.”

“Amazing!” Javier concurred.

“Who’s your all-time favorite composer?” Julie asked.

“Schoenberg,” Javier responded.

“Oh,” Julie said with sudden deflation.

“What about you?” Javier asked.

“Bach, of course,” Julie said with growing incredulity.

“Oh, I see,” Javier said, rolling his eyes.

“Well, I think I should get going,” Julie said, staring into the distance.

“Good day to you,” Javier said with cold indifference.

#11 The Bowflexer

Fred skipped the gym and decided to practice violin instead. “More than one way to work the heart,” he mused.

Later that day, he hung out with some of the fellas from the community orchestra, none of whom were into pumping iron, but all of whom had developed amazing emotional strength. 

They were all single.

Fred decided to go back to the gym the next day.

#10 Monastory

A teenager visits a monastery on a class trip and thinks the monks are really boring because they’re silent. But then, he begins reading their social media posts, and they’re hilarious! His perception is changed forever, and he stays in school.

#9 ResumAI

Jeniqua had tried for months and failed to get a job interview. She finally consulted an AI program for assistance with her resume. To her surprise, it suggested only minor changes, but that was enough to help “Jenny” get multiple interviews and land a sweet job!

(Story co-authored with Aimee Shattuck)

#8 Identity Crisis

Carlo was a vampire. He was also Italian. Could he resist the garlic alfredo pasta? “Mangia!” was his dying word.

#7 No Place For a Baby

Robin had veered off along an unfamiliar path through the woods, one that led her to a cemetery at the edge of a village.

She heard the sound of an infant crying near an unmarked headstone.

“Hello?” Robin asked. “Is anyone there?” She picked up the baby, who softened its tone. “Who could have left you here? This is no place for a baby.”

“No,” the baby said. “But it’s a good place for a demon.”

#6 H-O-N-E-R-D

Naureen stood proudly on stage as she received her first-place trophy for winning the spelling competition. 

“Nerd!” her mom shouted from the audience.

“Nerd,” Naureen responded instinctively. “N-E-R-D. Nerd.”

She was a champion at the height of her game.

#5 Absolution

Mara approached the Buddha, who wasn’t quite what she had expected. Noting her surprise, he stopped doing crunches. “Desire is the root of suffering,” he explained. “I intend to inflict maximum suffering with these abs.” He then let out a boisterous laugh. At that moment, Mara became enlightened.*

*This story has not been verified for historical accuracy.